Ho ho ho! Feeling festive? These Christmas jokes will have you laughing louder than Santa’s belly shake. Warning: excessive cheer, snort-laughing, and spontaneous caroling may occur. Proceed with caution… and cookies!
Jingle all the way to laughter! Grab your eggnog and settle in for some holiday hilarity. These jokes are Santa-approved and guaranteed to make you laugh harder than your uncle after too much Christmas pudding.
Santa Claus laughing in the snow | Source: Midjourney
1. The Christmas Trap
Mike drummed his fingers on his desk, staring at his phone. His wife Janet gave him a knowing wink from across the room, already struggling to contain her laughter. Time for their annual Christmas scheme.
“Hey kiddo,” Mike said after his 20-year-old son picked up in Fairbanks, trying to sound devastated. “I hate to drop this bomb, but… your mother and I are getting divorced.”
“WHAT?” Ryan’s voice cracked so hard that his neighbor’s cat fell off the windowsill. “Dad, you can’t be serious! You just posted those matching Christmas sweater photos!”
A shocked young man holding a phone | Source: Midjourney
“Dead serious. Can’t stand looking at her cookbooks anymore. Three hundred and forty-two sugar cookie recipes is where I draw the line. Call your sister in Sydney. I’m done talking about it.”
Ryan immediately called his sister Ashley, nearly dropping his phone in his panic. “Dad’s lost his mind! They’re getting divorced over a cookbook!”
“OVER MY DEAD BODY AND EVERY CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT I OWN!” Ashley screeched, making her office plants wilt. She speed-dialed home. “Listen here, old man! Don’t you DARE sign anything! Ryan and I are flying home TONIGHT!”
A shocked woman talking on the phone | Source: Midjourney
Mike hung up and high-fived Janet, and both of them doubled over with laughter. “Works every year. Both kids coming home for Christmas. And they’re buying their own tickets!”
Janet wiped tears from her eyes. “Should we tell them this is how we got them to come to Thanksgiving too?”
“Nah,” Mike grinned. “Let’s save that trick for Easter!”
An older man with a wicked grin | Source: Midjourney
2. The Christmas Angel
Eleanor had been working in the Dead Letter Office for five years, but she’d never seen anything quite like this — an envelope addressed simply to “God” in shaky handwriting that looked like it had been written during an earthquake.
Inside was a letter that made her heart squeeze:
“Dear God, I’m Martha, 85 years young and running low on miracles. Some sneaky youngster with unusually fast hands swiped my purse yesterday with my entire month’s pension. $120. I’ve got five dear friends coming for Christmas dinner, and now I can’t even afford a can of cranberry sauce. I know you’re busy with world peace and all, but could you spare a miracle for an old lady with a sweet tooth and empty cupboards? Love, Martha (the one with the crooked garden gnome collection at the end of Maple Street).”
A lady postal services worker reading a letter | Source: Midjourney
Eleanor shared the letter with her coworkers. By lunch, they’d collected $116, raiding coffee funds, lunch money, and that secret candy bar stash everyone pretended not to know about.
A week after Christmas, another letter arrived:
“Dear God, You’re a real peach! That $116 you’d left in my mailbox made for the best Christmas dinner ever! My friends said it was divine intervention. I’d say they’re right! Even my arthritis felt better!
P.S. Some sticky-fingered postal worker must’ve skimmed $4 off the top. Might want to look into that. I hear you’ve got connections with Santa’s naughty list! Love, Martha.”
A cheerful older lady enjoying Christmas dinner with her friends | Source: Midjourney
3. North Pole Chaos
“Code Red! Code Red!” Junior Elf Timothy squeaked into the North Pole intercom, his voice cracking like ice in hot cocoa. “Four senior elves down with candy cane flu! The toy production line looks like a modern art exhibition!”
Santa rubbed his temples, watching the trainee elves turn teddy bears into abstract sculptures. Mrs. Claus chose that perfect moment to chirp, “Honey, Mother’s coming for Christmas! She’s bringing her entire fruitcake collection… even the one that set off the North Pole airport security!”
In the stables, Rudolph was organizing a reindeer union strike, demanding premium carrots and heated stalls. Dancer was in labor (terrible timing), and Prancer had eloped with a local moose named Bruce who promised her a cabin in the woods.
Startled Santa Claus | Source: Midjourney
Santa trudged to load the sleigh, only to hear an ominous CRACK! The floor splintered like thin ice, sending toys scattering everywhere like confetti at a New Year’s party gone wrong.
Stumbling inside for coffee, he found the elves had replaced it with sugar-free hot chocolate with a tag that read: “It’s healthier, Boss!” The milk jug slipped from his hands, shattering into a million pieces that sparkled like evil little stars on the kitchen floor. The cleanup broom looked like it had been through a beaver party. Suddenly, the doorbell buzzed.
DING DONG!
Santa Claus holding a broom | Source: Midjourney
Santa yanked open the door, ready to cancel Christmas entirely. There stood a tiny angel, struggling under a massive Christmas tree that made her look like a sprite with an oversized umbrella.
“Special delivery!” she beamed, twinkling with festive cheer. “Where would you like me to stick it?”
And that’s why Christmas trees have angels on top, sporting slightly alarmed expressions and questioning their career choices.
An angel under a Christmas tree | Source: Midjourney
4. Heavenly Volume
Tommy and Jack were spending Christmas Eve at Grandma Rose’s house, famous for her legendary sugar cookies and selective hearing that rivaled military-grade noise-canceling technology.
At bedtime, Tommy (age 6) knelt beside his bed and began his strategic prayer:
“DEAR GOD, I WOULD REALLY LOVE A NEW XBOX…”
“AND A REMOTE CONTROL DINOSAUR THAT ACTUALLY BREATHES FIRE…”
“AND MAYBE A ROCKET SHIP WITH REAL ROCKET FUEL…”
A little boy praying | Source: Midjourney
Jack (age 8) nudged his brother, rolling his eyes. “Dude, volume control! God’s not streaming on Spotify!”
Tommy shot back with a mischievous grin that would make elves proud. “Yeah, but Grandma is doing her Christmas shopping tomorrow, and her hearing aid’s been acting up since she tried to bluetooth it to her toaster!”
A little boy looking up and laughing | Source: Midjourney
5. The Shopping Surprise
Linda lost track of her husband Dave at the crowded mall during last-minute Christmas shopping. After 20 minutes of searching between the endless sea of panic-buying shoppers, she called his cell.
“Dave, where on earth did you disappear to? The mall closes in an hour!”
“Honey,” his voice softened mysteriously, “remember that fancy jewelry store from our first Christmas together? The one where you fell in love with that stunning sapphire necklace, but we were so broke we could barely afford the window shopping?”
A man talking on the phone | Source: Midjourney
Linda’s heart fluttered, her anger melting faster than a snowman in July. “The one on Fifth Street? Oh my god, Dave… you didn’t…”
“Well,” he paused dramatically, “I’m in the dollar store next door. They’re having a massive sale on gift bags! Three for a dollar! Want me to grab some?”
A woman gaping in shock | Source: Midjourney
6. The Carol Critic
“Hey Emma,” her little brother Charlie called from the doorway, munching on his third candy cane of the morning. “You should totally join the Christmas choir at school! They’re still accepting applications!”
14-year-old Emma stopped practicing her scales, hope blooming in her eyes. “Really? You actually like my singing? After all this time?”
“Nah,” Charlie grinned, revealing red and white striped teeth. “But they only perform once a year, and I already know which day to wear my noise-canceling headphones!”
A stunned teenage girl holding a songbook | Source: Midjourney
7. The Gift Switch
At the office Christmas party, Tom was bragging about the amazing gift he got his wife Sarah, waving his phone around with photos.
“Check it out, man. Diamond earrings! Cost me a fortune, but worth every penny!”
His coworker Steve whistled, sipping his fourth cup of spiked eggnog. “But didn’t Sarah specifically ask for that new SUV? The one she’s been hinting about since last Christmas?”
“She did,” Tom smirked, lowering his voice conspiratorially. “But try finding a fake Ford Explorer that’ll fool your mother-in-law!”
A man holding a pair of earrings and laughing | Source: Midjourney
8. The Budget Tree
“Dad, pleeeease can we get a real Christmas tree this year?” little Jimmy begged for the hundredth time, giving his best puppy dog eyes. “I’m tired of explaining to my friends why our plastic tree smells like a basement and old tennis shoes!”
Frank grabbed his axe and wallet, sighing dramatically while secretly winking at his wife. “Fine. The things I do for Christmas spirit…”
He returned suspiciously quickly with a perfect tree, not a drop of sweat in sight.
A man holding an axe | Source: Midjourney
“That was fast,” Jimmy said, eyeing the pristine axe. “Did you even use it?”
“Nope!” Frank grinned proudly. “But the tree lot guy offered a 75% discount when I started examining the trees with it! Sometimes the best lumberjack is the one who never swings!”
A stunned boy | Source: Midjourney
9. The Biblical Bird
Three brothers — Richie, Steve, and Joe — gathered for their annual post-Christmas brag-fest about their gifts to their 80-year-old mother.
Richie puffed up his chest. “I built her a mansion with an elevator and a meditation room!”
Steve smirked, twirling his car keys. “Amateur. I bought her a Rolls-Royce with a personal chauffeur!”
Joe leaned back, sipping his cocoa. “You guys are so last season. Remember how Mom loves the Bible but can’t see well? I found this amazing parrot that recites the entire Bible on command. Took the church elders twelve years to train him. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse!”
A person in church holding a parrot | Source: Midjourney
Their mother’s thank-you notes arrived the next week:
“Dear Richie: The mansion’s lovely, but I’m too old to remember which of the 7 bathrooms I left my glasses in.
Dear Steve: The car’s beautiful, but my driver keeps falling asleep during my stories.
Dear Joe: The chicken was pretty small but delicious! Especially with the sage stuffing!”
Roasted chicken on the table | Source: Midjourney
10. The Window Shopping Incident
Karen spotted the perfect Christmas party dress sparkling in the store’s window display, guaranteed to make her the talk of the office party.
“Excuse me,” she called to a passing saleswoman. “Could I try on that gorgeous shimmery dress in the window? The one with the sequins?”
The saleswoman clutched her pearls, looking thoroughly scandalized. “Absolutely not, Ma’am! We have perfectly good fitting rooms for that sort of thing. This isn’t that kind of establishment!”
A dress displayed in a store | Source: Midjourney
11. The Santa Hotline
Sophie was driving her mom crazy with constant battles with her teenage sister Madison. The latest war was over borrowed (stolen) Christmas sweaters and who ate the last gingerbread cookie.
Mom had enough. “That’s it! I’m calling Santa!”
She dialed her brother Bob, resident Santa impersonator extraordinaire. Sophie’s eyes grew huge as Mom detailed her crimes against sisterhood, including the Great Hair Dryer Incident of last Tuesday.
“Santa wants a word with you,” Mom handed over the phone, trying not to smirk as her master plan unfolded.
A smiling woman holding a phone | Source: Midjourney
Uncle Bob dropped his voice to subterranean levels. “Sophie, Sophie, Sophie… No presents for girls who torment their sisters. I’m watching! And yes, I saw you hide that cookie under your pillow!”
Sophie nodded solemnly through the lecture, then hung up with a suspicious gleam in her eye.
“Well?” Mom asked, expecting victory. “What did Santa say?”
Sophie shrugged, skipping away. “He said Madison’s getting coal this year. Apparently, she’s the real troublemaker. Also, he said you should check your own cookie stash, Mom!”
A little girl smiling | Source: Midjourney
And there you have it, folks! If these jokes made you laugh, share them faster than your relatives share embarrassing childhood stories at Christmas dinner! Keep spreading the holiday cheer with these 10 More Best Christmas Jokes. Ho ho ho!
Cheerful Santa Claus laughing | Source: Midjourney
Husband Returns from Business Trip and Sees Newborn Baby on Table with Two Notes beside — Story of the Day
A man is accused of being the father of a baby abandoned on his doorstep and it costs him his marriage and his way of life.
Kyle Greenbecker had spent a year working on an oil pipeline in Alaska, but finally, he was on his way home to his beautiful wife. He and Lisa met in high school, and Kyle had never regretted marrying her at nineteen.
Maybe he was old-fashioned, but Kyle was proud that Lisa was the only woman he’d been intimate with in his life. He didn’t need and didn’t want anyone else. It never occurred to him that Lisa would ever doubt him — and with good reason.
For illustration purposes only | Source: Unsplash
When his plane landed, Kyle collected his luggage and walked out with the other passengers, scanning the crowd for Lisa’s beloved face, but she wasn’t there to pick him up.
Probably, Kyle thought, she’d been held up at work with some emergency. He sent her a quick text telling her he was on his way home but got no reply. He hopped into an Uber and in an hour he was walking up to his front door.
The lights were on in the lounge, but Lisa wasn’t there. He made his way to the kitchen and stopped in the doorway, stunned. Resting on top of the kitchen table was a bassinet, and Kyle could see a small arm waving aimlessly.
He took a step closer. There was a bassinet with a baby on his kitchen table! The child was looking back at Kyle with that astonished look babies have, and Kyle stared back just as astonished.
Then he saw a folded paper on the table next to the bassinet. He picked it up and unfolded it. Inside was another sheet of paper with a message in a handwriting he didn’t recognize: “You had your fun, now take responsibility for your child.”
Meanwhile, the note addressed to him in Lisa’s elegant script read:
For illustration purposes only | Source: Unsplash
“Kyle, yesterday I found this child on our doorstep with that note attached. I always suspected you cheated on me during your business trips, but I didn’t hold a grudge on you for that — after all, I had plenty of flings while you were away — but saddling me with someone else’s byblow is too much. I’ve filed for a divorce, and I earnestly hope I will never see you again.
“P.S. And about the baby, don’t worry, I only left when I saw you walk up the drive. Enjoy your life, Kyle, I certainly intend to enjoy mine.”
Kyle sat down and dropped his head in his hands. He couldn’t believe this was happening to him. This child wasn’t his, he’d never cheated on Lisa, ever! A soft cooing sound made him raise his head.
The baby was waving its little hand in the air, so Kyle brought his own hand closer and to his surprise, the child grabbed onto his index finger with incredible strength.
“Well, baby,” Kyle said. “I guess it’s just us two, and I don’t know what to do with you!”
The baby cooed again and gurgled, then screwed up his face in an alarming way and turned bright red. “Oh my God!” cried Kyle. “What’s happening?” A certain smell quickly elucidated him.
For illustration purposes only | Source: Unsplash
Yep, it was diaper time. But was there even a diaper? On the floor next to the table was a large backpack with several snap pockets that he’d never seen before. Kyle found a bewildering array of items inside and the diapers.
He quickly googled diaper change and watched carefully as a woman on YouTube demonstrated on a life-like doll how to change a diaper.
Kyle started following her instructions but things didn’t run that smoothly. The woman’s life-like doll didn’t move its legs, or sink its kicking heels in the stinking and unmentionable contents of the dirty diaper! After wiping the baby clean, Kyle realized it was a girl, and he didn’t know anything about girls!
“I won’t be giving you dating advice,” he told the baby solemnly. “But I can teach you how to ride a bike.”
Kyle realized in that moment that he intended to keep this baby.
For illustration purposes only | Source: Unsplash
He picked up the freshly diapered baby and said, “You need me, and I guess I need you too. So how about it, kid?”
Kyle once again consulted the YouTube baby-guru to prepare the formula and settled the baby in the crook of his arm for her feed.
“You need a name, you know that? How about… Celeste? Do you like that? Or Lily…”
If anyone had told Kyle that he would settle into fatherhood so easily and so smoothly he would never have believed it. Lily had her moments and her tantrums, but somehow things worked out.
Kyle registered Lily as his child and enrolled her in daycare. For him, her birthday was on the day he’d found her. But it was on Lily’s second birthday that Kyle’s world fell apart.
For illustration purposes only | Source: Unsplash
A woman knocked on her door. “I’ve come for my baby,” she said. Kyle just looked at her. She was tall, blonde, and thin, with huge breasts that were obviously a product of a plastic surgeon’s art.
“Your what?” Kyle asked.
A real parent is the one who loves and cherishes the child.
“My baby,” she snapped. “I left her here two years ago? Sorry about that, but I was a bit stoned and my boyfriend lives on the next block over and I got confused. You know how it is!”
“Sorry, I don’t know how that is because I’ve never abandoned a child on anyone’s doorstep,” Kyle said coldly. “I’d get a move on if I were you, or I’ll call the police.”
For illustration purposes only | Source: Unsplash
“Now look here,” the woman said sharply. “I figured I made a mistake about a week later when Burt didn’t take my calls, but now I need that baby!”
“You need her?” asked Kyle angrily. “What do you need her for?”
“Burt just got himself a Major League contract,” the woman said. “And that baby’s gone make sure some of those millions land in my bank account!”
Kyle ran the woman off, but he had a feeling he hadn’t seen the last of her. He was right. A week later he was summoned to family court. A Miss Cherish Vegas was contesting his adoption of baby Lily.
For illustration purposes only | Source: Unsplash
Suddenly, Kyle was showered with injunctions, was visited by Social Services at odd hours of the day or night, and his friends and co-workers were being questioned. Cherish really meant to get her hands on those millions!
Finally, the day of the hearing arrived. Kyle nervously handed over Lily to the social worker for the duration of the hearing and walked in. Cherish was there, of course, and a tall man with Lily’s blue eyes was on her side of the court. This could only be the famous Burt!
Cherish cried and sniveled and told the judge how much she loved and missed her baby, and how her wild college days (now long past and deeply regretted) had led her to place her in Kyle’s care.
The judge looked down at the papers in front of her. “By in his care, you mean on his porch, isn’t that right, Miss Vegas?” asked the judge.
For illustration purposes only | Source: Pexels
Cherish flushed red. “Well, I’m still her mama! No one can deny that!” she screamed.
The judge looked at Burt. “You sir, you are the father?”
Burt lumbered to his feet and said, “I guess I must be…”
The judge fixed him with a flinty eye. “Are you prepared and able to take on the parental responsibilities for this child?”
Cherish screamed, “You bet he is, judge, he just signed a three million dollar contract to play ball…”
For illustration purposes only | Source: Unsplash
“Oh!” cried the judge. “Finally, the truth is out! Tell me, Miss Vegas, what name did you give your daughter?”
“Name?” asked Cherish, confused. “Why, she’ll have her daddy’s name., since he’ll be paying child support!”
Kyle stood up. “Your honor,” he said. “May I address the court?”
“Yes, Mr. Greenbecker,” said the judge. “Please do.”
For illustration purposes only | Source: Unsplash
“Ma’am, my daughter’s name is Lily, and she does have her father’s name — mine. Since the moment that child came into my life I’ve loved her, and she loves me.”
At that moment, Lily, who had been playing with the social worker’s necklace noticed that Kyle was standing up. “Daddy!” she cried and stretched out her arms.
“Well, ladies and gentlemen, it seems to me that the case has been decided by the principal party,” the judge said. “I hereby overturn all claims of custody of the child Lily Grennbecker and confirm Kyle Greenbecker’s custody and adoption.
That night, Kyle celebrated his victory in court and he and Lily spent the evening catching lightning bugs in the garden. “Stars!” cried Lily. But for Kyle, the brightest star of all was his little girl.
For illustration purposes only | Source: Unsplash
What can we learn from this story?
- A real parent is one who loves and cherishes the child. Kyle took care of Lily and loved her as if she were his own.
- A heartless woman will use anyone, even her child, for profit. Cherish didn’t want Lily, she just wanted Burt’s money.
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If you enjoyed this story, you might like this one about a man who taught his son how to be the best husband in the world.
This account is inspired by our reader’s story and written by a professional writer. Any resemblance to actual names or locations is purely coincidental. All images are for illustration purposes only. Share your story with us; maybe it will change someone’s life.
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