A lot of big, tragic and important things have happened to this wonderful country of ours since April 2014. None of which I have covered. I was too busy writing about hungover parenting, ancient philosophy and my dog Colin.
Out of the 536 columns I have written, 27 were about that guy. Far too few. He is such a good boy, he deserves an article a week.
Today is the end of an era for me, and whenever these final events pop up in our lives, we can’t help but think about the ultimate end.
Everything we do, we will one day do for the last time. That’s why you have to enjoy things while they are around. It’s not just big events like leaving a job, house or loved one either. Whatever moment you happen to be in now, you will never get it back, and you don’t know how many more you have.
Everything we do in life, from eating pizza to spending time with the people we love, to driving, writing, drinking or breathing, we will one day experience for the final time. It might happen tomorrow. This can be either a depressing or an inspiring thought, depending on how you look at it.
A few years back in this column, I interviewed professor of philosophy William B Irvine, of Wright State University, Ohio, on this very topic. He put it this way on a Zoom call: “Recognition of the impermanence of everything in life can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent. The only way we can be truly alive is if we make it our business periodically to entertain thoughts of the end.”
Today’s column is very meaningful to me because it is my last. Like the last night with a lover before she goes overseas. And just like a lover, there have been some half-arsed efforts put in from me over the years. Last week, for example, I spent 750 words moaning about how bad my cricket team is. But the truth is that any of my columns could have been the final. If I had reminded myself every week for the past 10 years that the end is inevitable, I may have been more grateful for having a column and appreciated writing them all as much as I am this one.
While everything we do could have more meaning with a focus on finitude, some things are inherently more worthwhile than others. There is no doubt my column “The pros and cons of wearing Speedos” from November 2022 was less meaningful than most things in this world. That was a waste of everyone’s time. So, if we only have so much time, how do we pick the best things to do?
Well, Oliver Burkeman, the author of Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mortals, suggested this to me in a 2022 column: “Ask yourself, does this choice enlarge me? You usually know on some unspoken level if it does. That’s a good way to distinguish between options.”
With that in mind, I don’t feel great about my 2018 article on “New Zealand’s best hole”. That didn’t enlarge anyone.
There will be people reading this column right now who have loved my writing in the Herald and are sad to see it end. Others will have hated it and are glad to see me go. Many won’t have any opinion at all. But for those in the first camp, I have good news. I have a book coming out on May 28 called A Life Less Punishing – 13 Ways To Love The Life You Got (Allen and Unwin Book Publishers). It’s a deep dive into the history, philosophy and science of not wasting our time lost in anger, loneliness, humiliation, stress, fear, boredom and all the other ways we find to not enjoy perfectly good lives. It’s available for pre-order right now (google it if you’re interested).
A Life Less Punishing took me two years to write and is equivalent in words to 100 of these columns. Which would be a complete nightmare for those in the hate camp, but as I say, great news for those who want more.
Anyway, thanks to the Herald for having me, thanks to the lovely people who make an effort to say nice things to me about my column nearly every day and thanks to the universe for every single second we get.
Bless!
On Our Anniversary, My Husband Presented Me with a Bill Summarizing How Much I ‘Cost’ Him Over the Years – He Insisted I Repay the Amount
Five years ago, Ava stood at the altar, ready to start a new life with the man she loved. But tonight, her dreams lay shattered on the kitchen table. They were replaced by a cruel reality: a spreadsheet calculating the “cost” of her love.
“There’s something important I need to talk about,” my husband, Daniel, said, his voice unusually strained. At that point, my excitement for our fancy anniversary dinner sizzled out faster than a forgotten birthday candle.
We had reservations at 8 p.m., and all afternoon I’d been looking for the perfect outfit for our little Ben, while also folding mountains of laundry and reheating last night’s dinner.
Being a full-time stay-at-home mother wasn’t easy, especially when I had to look after my one-year-old son.
I met Daniel at the bustling investment firm where I used to work. My brain, sharp as a tack, thrived in the fast-paced world of finance.
Numbers danced in my head like a well-rehearsed ballet.
But then, the doctor’s words shattered our dreams like a dropped crystal vase.
“Infertility,” he said. “There might be some complications with conceiving naturally.”
Later that night, curled up on the couch with takeout boxes scattered around us, we talked. “Maybe it’s not meant to be,” I whispered as tears rolled down my cheeks.
Daniel cupped my face, his thumb wiping away a stray tear. “Ava,” he said. “If anything, this makes me want you more. We’ll figure this out, together. Maybe adoption…”
The seed of hope he planted took root in my heart.
That night, we made a pact to face whatever challenges came our way, as long as we faced them together.
Marriage wasn’t just about having a family, it was about building a life with the person who made you feel whole, even when pieces seemed missing.
A few months later, standing at the altar, tears welled up in my eyes again, this time a mixture of joy and relief. “I do,” I whispered.
As he kissed me that day, I felt lucky to have him by my side.
Soon, fertility treatments became our new normal. One evening, after a particularly grueling round of tests, I found Daniel staring out the window. He looked defeated.
“Maybe it’s time I resign,” I offered. My career, once a source of immense pride, felt insignificant compared to the yearning in my heart.
Daniel turned around. “Are you sure? You love your job.”
“There’s something more important,” I said, taking his hand. “You. Us. Building our family and looking after this house. I think I need to be at home more than anywhere else.”
With a hesitant nod, Daniel agreed.
Soon after I resigned, a new chapter of my life unfolded.
It was filled with doctor visits, support groups, and the quiet ache of longing. But through it all, Daniel was my rock.
Finally, after lots of medicine and appointments, Ben arrived. We were so emotional when we first looked at our tiny miracle wrapped in a blanket.
Our little family, messy and perfect all at once, became my whole world.
Last Monday was our fifth anniversary. I couldn’t believe it had been five years since we tied the knot. Time flies, doesn’t it?
The last five years felt like five decades of laughter, late-night talks, and shoulder-to-shoulder battles through life’s storms.
Looking back, a warm wave of gratitude washed over me for having Daniel by my side.
Excitement bubbled as I envisioned a romantic dinner, a night to celebrate this milestone. I couldn’t wait to see the surprise in Daniel’s eyes when I revealed the reservation I’d snagged at that fancy Italian place we always talked about.
Grabbing my phone, I dialed his number. “Hey, honey! Guess what?” I chirped.
“Hey,” he answered. “What’s up?”
“Just thinking about tonight! Where are we planning to go? Do you have anything special planned?”
A beat of silence followed, then, “Ava, there’s no need to go anywhere fancy. We’re not doing anything special tonight. No presents either.”
“Oh,” I managed, the disappointment clinging to me like a damp sweater.
“Just wait at home, okay? I’ll be there soon. We need to talk.”
Then, the line went dead, leaving me staring at the phone. What could be so important to ruin our anniversary night? Why was Daniel acting like that?
I was sitting in the living room, watching Ben play with his toy cars when the front door creaked open. Daniel walked in. His shoulders were slumped and he didn’t look like the confident man who returned home from work every day.
“Hey,” I greeted. “Rough day?”
“Yeah, something like that,” he mumbled.
A knot of worry tightened in my stomach. Daniel rarely brought work stress home, and his silence was deafening.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Just… come here,” he said, heading towards the kitchen.
I followed him, and he pulled out a chair for me after reaching the kitchen table.
“Sit,” he said.
“Is everything alright?” I asked, my voice tinged with worry.
“Not really,” Daniel replied coldly.
Then, he shuffled some papers on the table.
“What is it, Daniel?”
“There’s something important I need to talk about,” he said, his gaze meeting mine. “I’ve thought a lot about this and I finally decided to discuss it with you.”
I felt a shiver crawl down my spine. Something important? What could it be?
“Look at these,” he pushed the papers across the table towards me.
Curious, I quickly picked up the document and scanned it. The papers were filled with numbers and columns. I could tell it was a budget breakdown.
“What am I supposed to be looking at?”
“I’ll explain,” Daniel said.
He took a deep breath before dropping the bomb that turned my life upside down.
“I took some time to calculate how much you have cost me over the years together, and this is devastating,” he began. “By now, with this money, I could have bought a house or a private jet. But all I have is a wife sitting at home and living off me. I need you to pay it back to me before I start resenting you for all of my wasted potential.”
His words hit me like a physical blow. I was speechless.
After all the years I’d dedicated to their family, after all the sacrifices I’d made, he had the audacity to accuse me of wasting his potential. How could he do this to me?
This was so much more than a bad anniversary present; it was heartbreaking.
“Okay,” I managed to say. “I will pay you back, but only if you give me some time to figure out how.”
“Sure,” he said as he rose from his seat and turned around. “I can wait. I’m glad you understood what I wanted to say.”
“I understood more than you think,” I looked into his eyes. “But you better believe, this conversation isn’t over.”
Not only did Daniel waste the anniversary dinner reservation that evening, but he also broke my heart into a million pieces.
Looking at those papers, it was clear he’d calculated every penny he’d spent on me, including the groceries I’d bought to feed our family. I couldn’t believe the audacity of the man I’d married.
The final number scrawled at the bottom nearly took my breath away. $300,000.
That was supposedly the cost of my life with him over the past four years, after I’d given up my own career to raise Ben and manage our household.
Seeing those numbers on the document fueled a fire in my gut. He was going to learn a very expensive lesson.
Over the next few days, a simmering rage kept me company. While Daniel seemed oblivious and went about his routine as if nothing had happened, I spent my nights meticulously documenting the value of everything I’d contributed to our marriage.
The cooking, the cleaning, the emotional support… it all went on a spreadsheet. I even included the salary I’d sacrificed by choosing to be his stay-at-home wife.
The once lively atmosphere of our house had been choked by a thick silence. Daniel would try to make conversation, but my responses were clipped and short.
Suddenly, the man sleeping next to me at night felt like a stranger. How could I have given so much of myself to someone who saw me as a financial burden? I felt so disgusted with each passing hour.
Four days later, I faced him across the kitchen table again. However, this time I had a file clutched in my hand. My heart pounded in my chest as I placed it in front of him.
“What’s this?” he asked.
“Your bill.”
He opened the folder, his eyes widening as he scanned the document. The total amount was scrawled at the bottom in bold. It was $500,000.
“This can’t be right,” he stammered, his voice laced with panic. “There’s no way…”
“There you go,” I interrupted. “Seems my contributions to this marriage were worth a bit more than groceries and rent, wouldn’t you say?”
He sputtered, speechless for once. The color drained from his face, leaving him pale and shaken.
“Ava, I… I never meant for things to get this way. I was just stressed, and…”
“Don’t,” I cut him off. “Respect and understanding are the pillars of any marriage, Daniel. And right now, all I see are cracks in the foundation.”
This wasn’t just about money anymore; it was about the very essence of our relationship. And as much as it pained me, I knew the truth. I knew I couldn’t stay with him anymore.
“I’ve already talked to my lawyer,” I continued, my voice firm. “We’re done, Daniel. We’re done.”
This whole ordeal taught me one thing loud and clear: my worth is more than a number on a spreadsheet, and I deserve to be with someone who sees that. What do you think?
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