According to a survey, only 14% of couples sleep in separate beds every night. And while many of us might believe in the saying “couples who sleep apart grow apart” there are studies that show the opposite is actually true.
We at Bright Side believe that there are no wrong or right sleep arrangements, because to some, sleeping in different beds can be as pleasing as for others sharing a bed with their partner.
A poor night’s sleep can turn lovers into fighters.
According to research, sharing a bed with a partner that has restless sleep behavior can deprive you of 49 minutes of sleep each night. And, when one partner doesn’t get a proper night’s sleep because of the other, it will most likely result in a conflict between them the next day.
Actually, the study even confirmed that couples who tend to have a poor night’s sleep have more severe and more frequent fights than those who wake up well-rested. People who get a good night’s sleep, on the other hand, are more likely to be in a good mood, have lower stress levels, and be more patient.
Resenting your partner because you can’t get a good night’s sleep can be destructive to the relationship.
Snoring, fidgeting, and bed or blanket hogging are just a few of many reasons why some couples choose to sleep in different beds or even in different bedrooms. Lying awake listening to your partner snoring while you beat yourself up to fall asleep can lead to a build-up of anger, tension, and resentment toward your partner.
According to Jennifer Adams, author of Sleeping Apart Not Falling Apart, sleeping in a separate bedroom can even help a relationship thrive because both partners are not sleep deprived.
Each partner can tailor their sleeping conditions to their heart’s content.
Tina Cooper, a licensed social worker, sleeps in different bedrooms with her partner because of their opposite sleeping habits. “I’m a night owl, he’s an early bird. I need soothing sounds to fall asleep, and he likes silence. He likes a hard mattress, and I like soft and full of pillows. And because I don’t like the early day’s sunlight, my boyfriend gave me the master bedroom which gets less light and he has the second largest room that gets the sunrise he loves.”
How you spend the nighttime in your shared bedroom with your partner can also influence your daytime functioning, marital satisfaction, and psychological and physical health. And when 2 people with different bedtime preferences and nighttime schedules end up together, changing themselves just to please their partner’s needs might harm their relationship in the long run.
Sleeping in different bedrooms with your partner means that the 2 of you will have a place just for yourselves where you can relax after an exhausting day. This way, both of you can satisfy your needs without tiptoeing around and worrying about whether your partner might wake up because you want to watch the latest episode of your show before bed.
Even if you don’t remember waking up, disturbed sleep can have a negative impact on your overall health.
During the night, our brain cycles through the stages of sleep several times: light sleep, deep sleep, and REM (Rapid eye movement sleep). But when you interrupt the cycle by waking up during the night, it means that your brain spends more time in the light sleep stage and misses out on REM. And without sufficient REM your emotional well-being and cognitive performance suffer.
Interrupted sleep can also have short and long-term health consequences, like hypertension, weight-related issues, mental health problems, reduced quality of life, and other health-related issues.
People on Reddit share why they decided to sleep separately with their partner.
- “Because a good night’s sleep is more romantic than sharing a bed. I snore and toss and turn. He gives off literal village levels of heat in his sleep and I can’t stand the heat. I read, he can’t stand light. We keep different hours to an extent. A million reasons. We get along so much better this way.” — crankyweasels
- “My partner and I have completely separate bedrooms. We ’sleepover’ occasionally in each other’s rooms. However, we both sleep exponentially better apart. He’s a night owl and I’m an early bird. He wants only one sheet on him, I want 10 lbs of blankets. In addition, having a separate room allows me to decorate it however I want, have my own personal space, and keep it to the level of cleanliness I prefer. People look at us sideways when I mention the separate rooms thing, but it’s been a game-changer.” — eriasana
- “Different sleep cycles due to different work schedules. We are still madly in love and we both agreed to this because it’s the best for both of us.” — AFishInATank
- “Early in our relationship, 90% of our fights occurred in the bedroom. I like to sleep in a cold room with the fan on and white noise like a box fan. I also like to go to sleep with the TV on. She likes to sleep in a warm, still, cave in complete silence and darkness. We started sleeping in separate rooms and all of a sudden 90% of our fights stopped. Also, because we were getting real sleep, other fights turned more into heated discussions.” — ttc8420
What are your sleeping arrangements with your partner? Do you believe sleeping in different beds can help a relationship thrive?
I introduced my five-year-old daughter to the man I’ve been seeing – she yelled the first time she laid eyes on him.
When Jessica introduced her daughter Emma to her boyfriend Alex, she expected a warm welcome. Instead, Emma screamed in terror, convinced by her father’s warnings that Alex was a threat who would take her away forever.
I never imagined it would turn out this way. The sound of my daughter, Emma, screaming for help still rings in my ears. It was supposed to be a happy day, the day I introduced her to Alex, the man I’d been dating for over a year. But instead, it was a disaster.
Alex and I met at a charity event. He was charming and kind, always ready with a smile or a joke. We clicked immediately, and our relationship grew strong. We were serious, and I knew it was time for him to meet the most important person in my life – my daughter.
But I was scared. My divorce from Tom, Emma’s father, had been rough, and I worried about how she’d react to a new man in our lives.
Tom and I had shared custody of Emma. He usually babysat when I was out with Alex. Tom had already met Alex a few times and didn’t seem to have any problems with him. Or so I thought.
I spent days planning the perfect introduction. I made Emma’s favorite brunch – pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream. I even bought a new dress, wanting everything to be perfect. Alex arrived right on time, holding a gift and wearing his most welcoming smile.
“Hey, Alex, come on in,” I greeted him, my voice shaking slightly.
“Thanks, Jess. I’m excited to finally meet Emma,” Alex said, handing me the gift. “I hope she likes this.”
“She will,” I replied, hoping it was true. “Let me go get her.”
I walked to the bottom of the stairs and called out, “Emma, sweetheart, can you come down here for a moment? There’s someone I want you to meet.”
I heard the sound of little feet running down the stairs. As soon as she saw Alex, she stopped dead in her tracks. Her face went pale, and she looked terrified.
“No! Mommy, please, no!” Emma screamed, tears streaming down her face. She ran to me, hiding behind my legs. “Don’t let him take me! Please, Mommy!”
I was stunned. Alex looked as confused as I felt. I knelt down to Emma’s level, trying to calm her down.
“Emma, honey, it’s okay. This is Alex. He’s a friend,” I said softly, stroking her hair.
“No! He’s bad! He will take me away! I don’t want to go!” she sobbed, clinging to me tightly.
“Why do you think he’ll take you away?” I asked, my heart breaking at her fear.
“Daddy said he will! Daddy showed me pictures and told me to run if I ever see him!” Emma cried.
I felt a surge of anger and confusion. Tom had done this? Why would he scare her like that?
Alex knelt down beside me, his face full of concern. “Emma, I’m not going to take you away. I promise. I just want to be your friend,” he said gently.
Emma didn’t respond. She just cried and held on to me tighter. I stood up, holding her in my arms, and turned to Alex.
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