According to a survey, only 14% of couples sleep in separate beds every night. And while many of us might believe in the saying “couples who sleep apart grow apart” there are studies that show the opposite is actually true.
We at Bright Side believe that there are no wrong or right sleep arrangements, because to some, sleeping in different beds can be as pleasing as for others sharing a bed with their partner.
A poor night’s sleep can turn lovers into fighters.
According to research, sharing a bed with a partner that has restless sleep behavior can deprive you of 49 minutes of sleep each night. And, when one partner doesn’t get a proper night’s sleep because of the other, it will most likely result in a conflict between them the next day.
Actually, the study even confirmed that couples who tend to have a poor night’s sleep have more severe and more frequent fights than those who wake up well-rested. People who get a good night’s sleep, on the other hand, are more likely to be in a good mood, have lower stress levels, and be more patient.
Resenting your partner because you can’t get a good night’s sleep can be destructive to the relationship.
Snoring, fidgeting, and bed or blanket hogging are just a few of many reasons why some couples choose to sleep in different beds or even in different bedrooms. Lying awake listening to your partner snoring while you beat yourself up to fall asleep can lead to a build-up of anger, tension, and resentment toward your partner.
According to Jennifer Adams, author of Sleeping Apart Not Falling Apart, sleeping in a separate bedroom can even help a relationship thrive because both partners are not sleep deprived.
Each partner can tailor their sleeping conditions to their heart’s content.
Tina Cooper, a licensed social worker, sleeps in different bedrooms with her partner because of their opposite sleeping habits. “I’m a night owl, he’s an early bird. I need soothing sounds to fall asleep, and he likes silence. He likes a hard mattress, and I like soft and full of pillows. And because I don’t like the early day’s sunlight, my boyfriend gave me the master bedroom which gets less light and he has the second largest room that gets the sunrise he loves.”
How you spend the nighttime in your shared bedroom with your partner can also influence your daytime functioning, marital satisfaction, and psychological and physical health. And when 2 people with different bedtime preferences and nighttime schedules end up together, changing themselves just to please their partner’s needs might harm their relationship in the long run.
Sleeping in different bedrooms with your partner means that the 2 of you will have a place just for yourselves where you can relax after an exhausting day. This way, both of you can satisfy your needs without tiptoeing around and worrying about whether your partner might wake up because you want to watch the latest episode of your show before bed.
Even if you don’t remember waking up, disturbed sleep can have a negative impact on your overall health.
During the night, our brain cycles through the stages of sleep several times: light sleep, deep sleep, and REM (Rapid eye movement sleep). But when you interrupt the cycle by waking up during the night, it means that your brain spends more time in the light sleep stage and misses out on REM. And without sufficient REM your emotional well-being and cognitive performance suffer.
Interrupted sleep can also have short and long-term health consequences, like hypertension, weight-related issues, mental health problems, reduced quality of life, and other health-related issues.
People on Reddit share why they decided to sleep separately with their partner.
- “Because a good night’s sleep is more romantic than sharing a bed. I snore and toss and turn. He gives off literal village levels of heat in his sleep and I can’t stand the heat. I read, he can’t stand light. We keep different hours to an extent. A million reasons. We get along so much better this way.” — crankyweasels
- “My partner and I have completely separate bedrooms. We ’sleepover’ occasionally in each other’s rooms. However, we both sleep exponentially better apart. He’s a night owl and I’m an early bird. He wants only one sheet on him, I want 10 lbs of blankets. In addition, having a separate room allows me to decorate it however I want, have my own personal space, and keep it to the level of cleanliness I prefer. People look at us sideways when I mention the separate rooms thing, but it’s been a game-changer.” — eriasana
- “Different sleep cycles due to different work schedules. We are still madly in love and we both agreed to this because it’s the best for both of us.” — AFishInATank
- “Early in our relationship, 90% of our fights occurred in the bedroom. I like to sleep in a cold room with the fan on and white noise like a box fan. I also like to go to sleep with the TV on. She likes to sleep in a warm, still, cave in complete silence and darkness. We started sleeping in separate rooms and all of a sudden 90% of our fights stopped. Also, because we were getting real sleep, other fights turned more into heated discussions.” — ttc8420
What are your sleeping arrangements with your partner? Do you believe sleeping in different beds can help a relationship thrive?
I Decided to Surprise My Husband at Work Only to Discover He Was on Vacation
I planned to surprise my husband at work with lunch, but instead found out he was on vacation. Confused and suspicious, I followed him the next day and uncovered a shocking secret at my sister’s house. What I found left me questioning everything I thought I knew about my marriage and my family.
I decided to surprise Ben at work with lunch last Tuesday. I’d spent the morning making his favorite — lasagna. With the kids at school, I had some time to myself, and I thought it’d be a sweet gesture. I mean, what husband wouldn’t love a surprise visit from his wife with homemade food, right?
When I arrived at his office, the receptionist gave me a puzzled look.
“You’re here for Ben?” she asked, glancing at the lasagna in my hands.
“Yeah, just wanted to bring him lunch. Is he in?”
She hesitated. “Ben’s been on vacation for the past two weeks.”
I stood there, stunned, trying to process what she’d said. Vacation? He’d told me he was working late all week. My stomach twisted, and I felt a cold sweat break out on my forehead. I thanked her and left.
At home, I tried to make sense of it. Maybe it was a misunderstanding. But what kind of misunderstanding lasts two weeks? I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong. So, I did what any suspicious wife might do — I decided to follow him the next day.
The next morning, I called Mom and asked her to take the kids for the day. I told her I had some errands to run. She was happy to help, oblivious to the turmoil brewing in my head. I then followed Ben to find out what was really going on.
I watched as he left the house and got into his car, and I followed at a safe distance. He drove across town and pulled up to Kate’s house — my sister’s house.
My mouth went dry as I watched him get out of the car. Kate came out, smiling warmly as she embraced him and led him inside.
My mind went blank. Was Ben having an affair with my sister? I couldn’t believe it, but what else could explain it? The pain of betrayal cut deep, and I felt tears welling up. I had to know for sure.
I parked my car a few houses down from Kate’s place and called Carla, my lawyer. She’d handled a few legal matters for us before, and I trusted her judgment. I told her everything, my voice trembling with anger and hurt.
“Julia,” Carla said, her tone calm and professional, “before you jump to conclusions, gather some concrete evidence. It’s important to be sure before taking any legal steps.”
I knew she was right. So, I went back to Kate’s house, lurking around like some sort of spy. I felt ridiculous, but I had to know the truth. I peered through a window, careful not to be seen.
Inside, I saw Ben and Kate sitting at the kitchen table, huddled over lunch, and a pile of papers. They looked serious, and every now and then, they’d glance around, as if worried about being caught.
What were they plotting? The more I watched, the more convinced I became that something was terribly wrong. It wasn’t just an affair — they were planning something.
I snapped a few photos with my phone, my hands shaking. I needed proof, something concrete to confront Ben with. My mind raced with all sorts of terrible scenarios. What were they up to?
I called James from my car. He picked up on the first ring. James, my brother-in-law, had always been the sensible one in the family. Married to Kate for nearly a decade, he was the calm, rational counterpoint to her more impulsive nature.
He and Ben got along well, often bonding over their shared love of sports and grilling. I trusted James, and if anyone could help me make sense of this, it was him.
“James, it’s Julia. I need to talk to you about Ben and Kate.”
There was a pause. “Julia, calm down. What’s going on?”
“I think they’re having an affair,” I blurted out, my voice shaking.
James sighed. “Julia, you need to come over here. Now.”
I hurried back to Kate’s house, my mind spinning with fear and betrayal. When I arrived, I saw James’ car already parked outside. I crept up to the house and peeked through the window again. James was there, sitting with Ben and Kate at the kitchen table.
I could hear snippets of their conversation through the half-open window.
“Julia called me,” James said, sounding concerned. “She’s worried sick, thinks you two are having an affair.”
Ben nodded. “So, she is unaware of everything.”
“That’s great!” Kate replied, her tone filled with excitement.
“Our plan is working,” Ben added.
My heart shattered. I had heard enough. I barged into the house, my anger boiling over.
“You lying, cheating traitors! How could you do this to me?”
Kate and Ben looked at me, stunned. James stood up, trying to calm me down.
“Julia, please, let us explain.”
“Explain what? That my husband is cheating on me with my sister?” I screamed, tears streaming down my face.
“Julia, it’s not what you think,” Ben said softly, trying to calm me down. “I took a vacation to work on a surprise for you.”
I laughed bitterly. “A surprise? Meeting at Kate’s house every day is a surprise?”
“Yes,” Ben said, his voice steady. “I was planning to make your dream come true. You always talked about owning a coffee shop, right?”
I blinked, not understanding. “What?”
Kate stepped forward, holding a stack of papers. “Ben has been using his inheritance to buy a coffee shop for you. We’ve been working on the business plan and all the legal paperwork here.”
My anger started to wane, replaced by confusion and a glimmer of hope. “A coffee shop? For me?”
Ben nodded, pulling out a folder and handing it to me. “Look, these are the documents. The lease, the renovation plans, everything. I wanted it to be perfect before I told you. James and Kate are co-investors, so I wanted to make sure they are completely onboard.”
I looked at the papers, the words blurring through my tears. It was all there. The proof of his love and dedication, the coffee shop I had always dreamed of. My knees buckled, and Ben caught me before I fell.
“Oh my goodness, Ben… I’m so sorry. I thought… I thought you were…”
“I know,” he said, hugging me tightly. “I should have told you, but I wanted it to be a surprise. I wanted to see your face when I handed you the keys.”
“I’m such an idiot,” I sobbed into his chest. “I’m so sorry.”
“Shh, it’s okay. I understand why you felt that way. But Julia, I love you. I would never betray you.”
I nodded, feeling the weight of my mistake. “Thank you, Ben. Thank you for everything.”
The next day, we went to sign the final papers. The coffee shop was ours. I could hardly believe it. As I walked into the quaint little space, the smell of freshly baked goods already filling the air, I felt so joyful.
Ben squeezed my hand. “This is all for you, babe. I believe in you.”
I smiled, tears of happiness streaming down my face. “I love you, love. Thank you for believing in me.”
We worked together, turning the coffee shop into something magical. It became a place where dreams were baked into reality, where love and trust were the secret ingredients in every recipe.
Looking back, I realized how important trust and communication are in a relationship. Misunderstandings can happen, but it’s how we handle them that truly matters.
As I stood in my coffee shop, surrounded by the aroma of freshly baked goods, I felt grateful for Ben’s unwavering love and support. We had faced a storm, and together, we had come out stronger.
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