Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
New Father Kicks Wife With Newborn Twins onto the Streets, Years Later He Begs Her for Help – Story of the Day
A minted father who is unwilling to spend money to raise his newborn twins asks his wife to give up one baby for adoption. He kicks her out with the babies when she refuses and knocks on her door for help five years later.
It was a cold, rainy night, and Angie cradled her newborn babies at the bus stop. “Where will we go? Jesus, please help us. Shelter us as we wait out this rough night,” she cried, wiping warm tear droplets off her babies’ faces. Angie had nowhere to go, and her parents had died long back.
Suddenly, she sensed something creeping behind her and was terrified. Angie mustered the courage to protect her babies from whatever it was. “It’s a dog!” she sighed.
Angie never imagined her life would turn topsy-turvy overnight. She never thought her husband Jake, who she trusted and loved throughout their marriage, would kick her out with their babies just a week after their birth…
For illustration purposes only | Source: Pixabay
“How I wish my mom were with me today…Sorry, mama, I should’ve listened to you and not rushed with my marriage with Jake,” sobbed Angie, thinking about her late mom.
“You can stay in this house as long as you agree to keep just one baby or leave if you want to keep both. Decide wisely, dear.”
Angie met Jake after graduation five years ago. He was a young, handsome man, and she thought he was the one. They fell for each other in what would turn into a fairytale love story, but with one exception—there was no ‘happily ever after’ in Angie’s case.
Problems sparked in the fourth year of their marriage when she told Jake she was pregnant.
“But darling, you know I’ve just started my business. We have postponed baby planning all these years, and I am not ready to be a father yet,” Jake was upset when Angie showed him the two pink lines on her pregnancy test kit.
Jake’s reluctance to be a father showed he was unprepared for responsibilities. Poor Angie was torn between his disapproval of having children and her desire to have as many as possible. But was Jake prepared to know Angie was pregnant with twins?
For illustration purposes only | Source: Pexels
“I am okay with having a baby…you get it? I mean, one baby is enough,” said Jake as Angie walked into the ward for scanning. “I pray that you don’t come out and tell me we are having twins,” he joked, his mouth curved into an ironic smile. Moments later, fate joked back at him.
Angie came out, distressed and worried. She was pale while she was supposed to be blushing and smiling.
“What is it?” he asked her, impatient for her reply. “What did the doctor say?”
Angie swallowed her fear and spoke out, partly guessing Jake’s reaction. “Our babies are fine,” she said.
“Alright…wait, what…babies?” he exclaimed.
The scan Angie took minutes ago gave her a glimpse at two tiny lives growing inside her. She was pregnant with twins, and Jake was not happy about that.
For illustration purposes only | Source: Pexels
Jake stormed to his car as Angie read his mind and pictured his frustrations. She was nervous and thought he had joked about having only one baby. But his reactions proved otherwise.
Jake grew distant from Angie day by day and focused only on making more money. She knew he was upset about having twins and assumed he would cool down with time. But it only worsened during her third trimester.
Angie was in the hospital, waiting for Jake to see their newborn twin baby girls. But he never showed up. He sent his maid and driver three days later to bring Angie and their babies home.
Jake did not want to get involved with his babies. He didn’t even welcome them home or hold them. He was unhappy and unprepared to be their father.
Angie returned home with her newborns that evening, knowing little about Jake’s condition. “We keep only one child and give the other up for adoption. If you are okay with it, we are a family. If not, you can leave the house with them,” he told Angie.
For illustration purposes only | Source: Pexels
At first, Angie thought Jake was kidding. He dragged her suitcase to the living room and placed it in front of her, indicating he was serious.
“I’m not ready to raise two children and burn a hole in my pocket. My business is fetching a lot of profits, and I need to focus on making more money…I don’t want to waste my time and wealth on raising two babies when I can easily raise just one,” he explained.
Angie was devastated. “They are our babies, Jake. How could you ask a mother to give up her baby? Are you out of your mind? Both my babies are our symbol of love,” she cried. But Jake was stubborn.
“My business has just started to flourish, and I don’t have the time to focus on family. I don’t want to waste my hard-earned money on two babies. You can stay in this house as long as you agree to keep just one baby or leave if you want to keep both. Decide wisely, dear,” he said, despite knowing Angie had nowhere to go.
For illustration purposes only | Source: Unsplash
The poor mother’s choice was obvious. She took her suitcase and left the house with the babies. Jake’s greed for his newfound riches blinded his devotion to family. He failed as a husband and a father. But it didn’t matter to him.
Angie snapped to her present and found herself still deserted at the bus stop, cradling her babies. “Where will I go? Please help me, Jesus,” she cried and was disrupted by an intense beam of light rays.
“Hello there, are you alright? It’s raining heavily. Would you like a ride, my dear?” an older woman called out to her from a taxi. Angie looked up and saw a nun. She wrapped her babies in her jacket and approached the car.
“Oh my, how adorable your babies are!” exclaimed the nun. “Get in. I’ll drop you. Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know, Sister,” said Angie. “My path is dark, and I am lost. I don’t know which way to go. My babies and I were abandoned by someone dear to us.”
The nun understood Angie’s misery and immediately took her to the convent.
For illustration purposes only | Source: Unsplash
Angie and her daughters, Sophie and Marley, found a safe shelter to wait out the rough days of their lives. Angie taught in the school administered by the church. She also worked part-time in a restaurant, and two years later, she saved a good chunk of money to start her café.
Gradually, Angie was able to give her daughters a better life, though it could’ve been much better had their father been involved. Moreover, Angie did not regret her decision not wanting to divorce Jake. Deep in her heart, she hoped he would realize his mistake and come for them someday.
Five years passed, and Angie now had her own house. It was quite small yet comfortable. She spent the best years watching Sophia and Marley grow up.
There were times when Angie used to struggle without enough profits in business, but her faith and determination motivated her. She launched two more coffee shops in town, and gradually, her fortune grew. But in the other part of town, Jake’s business tanked.
He was drowned in debt, and everybody he sought financial help from refused to support him at the last minute. Jake knew how rich Angie was now and thought only she could help him.
For illustration purposes only | Source: Pixabay
“Hey, how are you?” Angie answered the door one day when she least expected to see Jake at the doorstep. “Come in!”
Jake vaguely smiled and immediately apologized to Angie. “Darling, I’m so sorry for abandoning you. My greed to earn more money cost me big. I am bankrupt, and it’s the best punishment I deserve for kicking you out with our babies. Please forgive me, and please help me.”
Angie now understood why Jake had come. She had learned about his loss in business but never thought he would visit her and apologize, let alone ask for help.
Jake saw a photo of Angie with their daughters and cried. “I’m sorry, sweethearts. Please forgive your daddy,” he said. Angie’s heart melted, and though she knew Jake had come crawling for help, she was willing to do it because she still loved him.
“But darling, I will not be able to repay such a huge amount of money. I will need time. I was such a cruel husband and a heartless father. Are you sure you want to help me?” he sobbed when Angie gave him a check worth the money he wanted.
“The night you kicked me out, I learned what greed is and how it can ruin relationships. And today, I learned what forgiveness is. What are we going to achieve by holding onto our past grudges? Nothing! Everyone makes mistakes, but as humans, we must learn to forgive one another,” said Angie.
Jake realized his mistake and promised to take Angie and their kids back once he sorted his business issues. He wanted to be a good father to his children and compensate for the heartbreak Angie endured all these years.
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